You're a man. Act like it.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Rate Your Hangover Using the Vince Vaughn Scale!
It's 6:55 AM on a Saturday. Why the fuck am I wide awake? Where the hell am I, and how did I get here? Why is my mouth so dry, and why do I feel so strangely awesome and yet on the verge of death right now?
A-HA! I'm hungover!
We've all been there. Waking up on the living room couch, feeling more or less like P. Diddy, tangled up in what seems to be a random assortment of the clothes you wore last night plus whatever blankets, magazines, and food items happened to be within reach before you finally crashed. You check your pockets: wallet. credit cards. ID. phone. keys. Drunk texts? 'Bitch, whatever! My body's intact...wish I could say the same for my reputation though.'
All's good...looks like you lived to drink another day...
Staring intensely at the pattern on the couch cushion that your face is pressed up against, you hear the soothing voice of Billy Mays for the fifth time trying to get through your thick fucking skull just how goddamn earth-shatteringly awesome Mighty Putty is. 'Do you think he OD'd on OxyClean?' you think to yourself, 'WAIT A SECOND! HOW DID I GET HOME?! I remember I drove to the bar...uh oooh...'
You jump up to check outside the window for your car, but after that first step, your head gives a nasty throb and it feels like a raccoon is trying to claw its way out of your stomach. You immediately fall to your knees in front of the TV, curling up into the fetal position, that bastard Billy Mays staring down at you condescendingly.
If only you had a way to gauge how horrible you feel right now and relate it to others! People of Earth, allow me to give that pathetic fucking existence that you like to call a 'life' some real meaning for once. Introducing: The Vince Vaughn Scale! A five-level scale of increasing intensity that will gauge exactly how fucked up your day will be, according to how fucked up you managed to get the night before. Allow the Patron Saint of Hangovers--the Marlon Brando of actors himself--Mr. Vince Vaughn to demonstrate how a MAN spends his day of recovery.
LEVEL 1 -- The Gentleman
The Night: After a good, long day at work/school and maxing out higher than ever at the gym, you thought it would be a end to a productive day if you and the boys hit the bar for some brews. Hell, that girl you just met even came out last minute and agreed to go on a date this Friday! All and all, it was a light night, and you were in early enough to get in a few chapters of that book your sister gave you for Christmas. High five!
The Hangover: For some reason, your head is annoying the hell out of you once you get up, even though you only had two beers. You're not noticeably hung over, but you do take a couple tylenol and skip breakfast. You'll have no trouble powering through it. You're the fucking man.
LEVEL 2 -- The College Morning
The Night: The game's on at the bar tonight. Everyone's going for cheap wings, pizza, and beers. You're in a good mood--it's a big game--so you show up ready to party wearing your throwback jersey and a handful of new jokes to break out at halftime. The Giants/Yankees/Knicks/Devils/Liberty win! In celebration, you buy a round of shots for the people you're talking with. You're buzzed but get home no problem.
LEVEL 3 -- The Gold Standard
The Night: Friday night, go get plastered! You earned it! You throw on some sharp clothes, down a Four Loko, and hit up that hip new place in Hoboken with the overpriced drinks and stuck up rich girls (you know, that one). Jack and cokes until you realize you're running low--fuck it, shots! Here's my card, hand me a Corona every 15 minutes, wench! I'm gettin' sauced tonight! You dance like an idiot but wind up hooking up anyway because you're an investment banker at the firm where she's a secretary...at least that what she thinks.
The Hangover: Level 3 is the gold standard for hangovers. You pull yourself out of bed at 1 PM and down a gallon of water with a tylenol, followed by tons of coffee. You start pulling retarded hangover remedies out of your ass--like sucking on lemon slices sprinkled with salt--and even drink a beer because you think it'll help you come down easier (I swear it works). Every time you fart, your sinuses clear out. At least you haven't puked--BLEEECH...nevermind. Ahh, that's better.
LEVEL 4 -- The Ninja
The Night: "I AM GOD. Where are we? Car bombs! Jameson shots!" There was no reason for that asshole bartender to throw your crew out, you were just going behind the bar to help out! You're a fucking mess but the ridiculousness of your conversations keep people wanting to hang around you, especially that hambeast you're finger-banging on the "dance floor" (a.k.a. the empty area near the bathroom). You hit the diner for some disco fries with American cheese because "THIS IS AMERICA, NOT MOZZARELLIA!" and order some bacon for the table because you are just THAT. FUCKING. AWESOME! [BLACK OUT]
LEVEL 5 -- The Endboss
The Night: The night started out great! You were on your A game: handsome, charming, and just fun to be around. Just sometime during the night, someone must have flipped a "crazy switch" on you. Not only were you the anti-poon, but you somehow managed to cock-block anyone within a 10-yard radius of you. You start a fight with a guy, not because he's hitting on your girl but because he's hitting on a girl you're not even attracted to. [SCENE MISSING] To top it all off, you pull the fire alarm. Congratualtions, asshole, I hope you're proud of yourself!
-Teddy Broosevelt
A-HA! I'm hungover!
We've all been there. Waking up on the living room couch, feeling more or less like P. Diddy, tangled up in what seems to be a random assortment of the clothes you wore last night plus whatever blankets, magazines, and food items happened to be within reach before you finally crashed. You check your pockets: wallet. credit cards. ID. phone. keys. Drunk texts? 'Bitch, whatever! My body's intact...wish I could say the same for my reputation though.'
All's good...looks like you lived to drink another day...
Staring intensely at the pattern on the couch cushion that your face is pressed up against, you hear the soothing voice of Billy Mays for the fifth time trying to get through your thick fucking skull just how goddamn earth-shatteringly awesome Mighty Putty is. 'Do you think he OD'd on OxyClean?' you think to yourself, 'WAIT A SECOND! HOW DID I GET HOME?! I remember I drove to the bar...uh oooh...'
You jump up to check outside the window for your car, but after that first step, your head gives a nasty throb and it feels like a raccoon is trying to claw its way out of your stomach. You immediately fall to your knees in front of the TV, curling up into the fetal position, that bastard Billy Mays staring down at you condescendingly.
If only you had a way to gauge how horrible you feel right now and relate it to others! People of Earth, allow me to give that pathetic fucking existence that you like to call a 'life' some real meaning for once. Introducing: The Vince Vaughn Scale! A five-level scale of increasing intensity that will gauge exactly how fucked up your day will be, according to how fucked up you managed to get the night before. Allow the Patron Saint of Hangovers--the Marlon Brando of actors himself--Mr. Vince Vaughn to demonstrate how a MAN spends his day of recovery.
LEVEL 1 -- The Gentleman
The Hangover: For some reason, your head is annoying the hell out of you once you get up, even though you only had two beers. You're not noticeably hung over, but you do take a couple tylenol and skip breakfast. You'll have no trouble powering through it. You're the fucking man.
LEVEL 2 -- The College Morning
The Hangover: The alarm goes off...SNOOZE!...The alarm goes off again...SNOOZE!...The alarm goes off again...just let it go. Ugh, let's get started. You let out a burp that your paternal line going back four generations would be proud of and hit the toilet. Poop is made of lava! Damn wings...at least that's over with. You gag a little brushing your teeth and decide to skip shaving because the stubble looks damn good today.
LEVEL 3 -- The Gold Standard
The Hangover: Level 3 is the gold standard for hangovers. You pull yourself out of bed at 1 PM and down a gallon of water with a tylenol, followed by tons of coffee. You start pulling retarded hangover remedies out of your ass--like sucking on lemon slices sprinkled with salt--and even drink a beer because you think it'll help you come down easier (I swear it works). Every time you fart, your sinuses clear out. At least you haven't puked--BLEEECH...nevermind. Ahh, that's better.
LEVEL 4 -- The Ninja
The Hangover: You feel...great. No headache, you're stomach's fine, and all your motor skills are working. Hell, you feel more than good and might even go for a run! Still, something seems a little off. With your friends from last night, you go back to the diner. The waitresses don't say anything...but they remember you from four hours ago. Two eggs over-easy with bacon, rye toast. Yum! Suddenly, everything in the room loses its color. You know you're friends are speaking English, but you can't understand a word they're saying to you. You have reached Level 4. You rush home an sit on the toilet for an hour, everything must go! With no time to think, you have to throw up...right on your dick. You take the first legitimate bath since childhood and go back to sleep.
LEVEL 5 -- The Endboss
The Hangover: You wake up...in Belgium. You have pioneered a new kind of hangover. While you can't recall any of this, there seems to be a general consensus among your friends about your level of creepiness. If you have made it to Level 5, please let us know, the Vince Vaughn Institute for Hangover Research will name it in your honor. Remember, winding up in the hospital doesn't count, and please, drink responsibly.
-Teddy Broosevelt
Goin' H.A.M on Valentine's Day
Dear Loyal Readers of the Guy Talk 4.0 Blog,
Aaron Rodgers is officially the People‘s Champ. The Lakers are going to get Carmelo Anthony. CC Sabathia slimmed down to a cool 350lbs. That is the recap in the sports world. I’m here to talk to you about something a little more important. Valentine’s Day is around the corner.
I sincerely think that there isn’t a taken guy in the world who legitimately enjoys Valentine’s Day. For those that have significant others hear me out. Valentine’s Day definitely puts this unneeded pressure on guys to perform their boyfriend duties better than any other day of the year. The guy needs to be romantic and loving. But let’s be honest here. Why? If you hate your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day because she is being her normal bitchy girl self, why do you have to pamper her every needs. If she’s a bitch, treat her like one. Tie her in a kennel and give her a bowl of water. That’s a little harsh, but you guys get the point. Isn’t it more wrong to be fake one day a year to get some taint than to be real like every other day of the year?
Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love and happiness right? But what makes a guy happier? Spending 100 bucks on some stupid dinner at a nice restaurant or getting two $5 boxes from Taco Bell. It rocks, it rocks. What does a guy love more? The girlfriend who just needs that expensive piece of jewelry or a fuckin’ 6 pack? The main reason guys go through all this trouble on Valentine’s Day is in hope that the sex is better than normal that night. Let’s get real though does the girlfriend really need those extra chocolates for her to perform any better? And does the guy really need this made up holiday to get the sex that he probably deserves for puttin’ up with her bullshit every day anyway?
Now, the single guys look at Valentine’s Day totally differently. It’s the perfect day to go out there and look for some strange ass. The single girls may not always say it, but Valentine’s Day is the one day a year where they are looking to get laid more than men. If you’re not much of a looker, Valentine’s Day is the day to put down your latest edition of Dungeons and Dragons, shut off your newest level of World of Warcraft, and get out to the bars because tonight…its like fishing with dynamite.
Single girls on Valentine’s Day are desperate and depressed because they need that fake sense of happiness that couples have on Valentine’s Day. The only way a girl is more horny or desperate is if they just got done watchin’ The Notebook alone with a pint of Edy’s Mint Chocolate Chip. Guys it’s the perfect time to strike. Give them some bullshit line about how you really want a Valentine or something and they’ll be in your bed quicker than you can say “Trojan Man”.
Guys understand all these little tidbits of Valentine’s Day, but girls stop reading Cosmo and listen to me. It’s alright for one day a year to act like you really always want to act. Like a gigantic slut. If your boyfriend is doing everything right on Valentine’s Day do something crazy and special for him at night because trust me that’s the only reason why he’s trying so hard in the first place. If you’re a single girl, go out, wear your skimpiest dress, go H.A.M. on the dance floor, drink shots all night and go home with the first guy that decides to talk to your sloppy ass.
I think I speak for every man in the world when I say that I hope all you girls out there take my advice and enjoy Valentine's Day to it's fullest.
Sincerely,
The Love Machine
Aaron Rodgers is officially the People‘s Champ. The Lakers are going to get Carmelo Anthony. CC Sabathia slimmed down to a cool 350lbs. That is the recap in the sports world. I’m here to talk to you about something a little more important. Valentine’s Day is around the corner.
I sincerely think that there isn’t a taken guy in the world who legitimately enjoys Valentine’s Day. For those that have significant others hear me out. Valentine’s Day definitely puts this unneeded pressure on guys to perform their boyfriend duties better than any other day of the year. The guy needs to be romantic and loving. But let’s be honest here. Why? If you hate your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day because she is being her normal bitchy girl self, why do you have to pamper her every needs. If she’s a bitch, treat her like one. Tie her in a kennel and give her a bowl of water. That’s a little harsh, but you guys get the point. Isn’t it more wrong to be fake one day a year to get some taint than to be real like every other day of the year?
Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love and happiness right? But what makes a guy happier? Spending 100 bucks on some stupid dinner at a nice restaurant or getting two $5 boxes from Taco Bell. It rocks, it rocks. What does a guy love more? The girlfriend who just needs that expensive piece of jewelry or a fuckin’ 6 pack? The main reason guys go through all this trouble on Valentine’s Day is in hope that the sex is better than normal that night. Let’s get real though does the girlfriend really need those extra chocolates for her to perform any better? And does the guy really need this made up holiday to get the sex that he probably deserves for puttin’ up with her bullshit every day anyway?
Now, the single guys look at Valentine’s Day totally differently. It’s the perfect day to go out there and look for some strange ass. The single girls may not always say it, but Valentine’s Day is the one day a year where they are looking to get laid more than men. If you’re not much of a looker, Valentine’s Day is the day to put down your latest edition of Dungeons and Dragons, shut off your newest level of World of Warcraft, and get out to the bars because tonight…its like fishing with dynamite.
Single girls on Valentine’s Day are desperate and depressed because they need that fake sense of happiness that couples have on Valentine’s Day. The only way a girl is more horny or desperate is if they just got done watchin’ The Notebook alone with a pint of Edy’s Mint Chocolate Chip. Guys it’s the perfect time to strike. Give them some bullshit line about how you really want a Valentine or something and they’ll be in your bed quicker than you can say “Trojan Man”.
Guys understand all these little tidbits of Valentine’s Day, but girls stop reading Cosmo and listen to me. It’s alright for one day a year to act like you really always want to act. Like a gigantic slut. If your boyfriend is doing everything right on Valentine’s Day do something crazy and special for him at night because trust me that’s the only reason why he’s trying so hard in the first place. If you’re a single girl, go out, wear your skimpiest dress, go H.A.M. on the dance floor, drink shots all night and go home with the first guy that decides to talk to your sloppy ass.
I think I speak for every man in the world when I say that I hope all you girls out there take my advice and enjoy Valentine's Day to it's fullest.
Sincerely,
The Love Machine
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Late Night TV
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| They know he takes Extenze ;) |
-Cookie Monster
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Your Weekly Decision-- Edition Numero Dos
Eight…Nine…Ten. 10 reps of 225...no big deal. You feel the burn right in your jugs, but you feel satisfied. You notice the hot blonde next to you. You give a little stretch which is really more like a flex to try to impress her. She rolls her eyes and walks away completely unimpressed. Whatever…her loss.
Time for cardio. You look down at your Ipod and notice the battery is in the red. -___- That’s alright though because you just made a new play list. You go to click on it, but its not there. Your dumb ass forgot to put it on last night. You must’ve gotten too caught up in that new episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The only play lists you currently have are labeled “Country” and “Jersey Shore Party.” Neither of which are gonna get you going and pumped up on the treadmill. So hear it is…the weekly decision.
You gotta make this decision quick before your ipod dies. So what do you want to listen to? Rap? Rock? Country? Porn Groove? You scroll through your artists. Hmm. As you scroll you notice way too many people that shouldn’t be on any man’s ipod. Alanis Morissette, Annie Lennox, Backstreet Boys, Natalie Imbruglia, Celine Dion. You look up and begin to wonder about your own sexuality. No, that’s enough. Get serious here. What gets you all jacked up….Mountain Dew? No you idiot what music gets you all jacked up?! Asher Roth? Too white. Nas? Too black. BB Mak? Too gay. This should not be that hard of a decision! It’s your Ipod…you should like every song on it. So you decide just putting it on shuffle should be the best option.
You hop on the treadmill for a little High Intensity Interval Training. Your headphones pop out your Itouch and the first song comes on for everyone around you to hear…This Kiss by Faith Hill. Boy that’s embarrassing. You awkwardly reach for the headphones to plug back in. Bad start. Now your embarrassed, but you hope the music selection gets a little better. Second song comes on it’s The Fray. Now you may enjoy listening to them but lets get serious here, The Fray gets you about as jacked up as listening to Elton John’s sex life. Ew. Skip again.
Dead Wrong by the Notorious B.I.G comes on. You immediately feel the beat. “The weak or the strong, Who got it goin on…You’re dead wrong.” Biggie got you in the running mood. You crank that bad boy up to 6.8. A pretty nice pace. You feel your untied shorts falling, but also the shorts start to ride up in the crotch. A phenomenon that no skinny man will EVER understand. How can one part fall down while the other rides up? When you are at your most uncomfortable, you decide to take a chance and try to adjust yourself in mid run. Just as you try, the hot blonde walks by and looks at you with your hand down your pants fixing yourself. You immediately feel red in the face and hastily pick your hands up tangling your arms in the headphone wire again. You lose your balance. All in one embarrassing life changing motion, you stumble, rip your headphones out of your ears and smile creepily at the girl. All while listening to Biggie rap about doing something in some girl’s E-Y-E.
As you lie upon the treadmill as a broken man, your ipod dies. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t cha think? Obviously shuffle wasn’t your best choice.
So, what kind of music gets you guys goin at the gym? Maybe your suggestions will save me next time I’m getting my swell on. Until next time…Go Fuck Yourselves San Diego.
---Steve Mongo McMichael
Time for cardio. You look down at your Ipod and notice the battery is in the red. -___- That’s alright though because you just made a new play list. You go to click on it, but its not there. Your dumb ass forgot to put it on last night. You must’ve gotten too caught up in that new episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The only play lists you currently have are labeled “Country” and “Jersey Shore Party.” Neither of which are gonna get you going and pumped up on the treadmill. So hear it is…the weekly decision.
You gotta make this decision quick before your ipod dies. So what do you want to listen to? Rap? Rock? Country? Porn Groove? You scroll through your artists. Hmm. As you scroll you notice way too many people that shouldn’t be on any man’s ipod. Alanis Morissette, Annie Lennox, Backstreet Boys, Natalie Imbruglia, Celine Dion. You look up and begin to wonder about your own sexuality. No, that’s enough. Get serious here. What gets you all jacked up….Mountain Dew? No you idiot what music gets you all jacked up?! Asher Roth? Too white. Nas? Too black. BB Mak? Too gay. This should not be that hard of a decision! It’s your Ipod…you should like every song on it. So you decide just putting it on shuffle should be the best option.
You hop on the treadmill for a little High Intensity Interval Training. Your headphones pop out your Itouch and the first song comes on for everyone around you to hear…This Kiss by Faith Hill. Boy that’s embarrassing. You awkwardly reach for the headphones to plug back in. Bad start. Now your embarrassed, but you hope the music selection gets a little better. Second song comes on it’s The Fray. Now you may enjoy listening to them but lets get serious here, The Fray gets you about as jacked up as listening to Elton John’s sex life. Ew. Skip again.
Dead Wrong by the Notorious B.I.G comes on. You immediately feel the beat. “The weak or the strong, Who got it goin on…You’re dead wrong.” Biggie got you in the running mood. You crank that bad boy up to 6.8. A pretty nice pace. You feel your untied shorts falling, but also the shorts start to ride up in the crotch. A phenomenon that no skinny man will EVER understand. How can one part fall down while the other rides up? When you are at your most uncomfortable, you decide to take a chance and try to adjust yourself in mid run. Just as you try, the hot blonde walks by and looks at you with your hand down your pants fixing yourself. You immediately feel red in the face and hastily pick your hands up tangling your arms in the headphone wire again. You lose your balance. All in one embarrassing life changing motion, you stumble, rip your headphones out of your ears and smile creepily at the girl. All while listening to Biggie rap about doing something in some girl’s E-Y-E.
As you lie upon the treadmill as a broken man, your ipod dies. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t cha think? Obviously shuffle wasn’t your best choice.
So, what kind of music gets you guys goin at the gym? Maybe your suggestions will save me next time I’m getting my swell on. Until next time…Go Fuck Yourselves San Diego.
---Steve Mongo McMichael
10 Reasons Why Men Are Better Than Women
Battle of the sexes. That's an odd statement considering it contains the word battle which usually implies that there is some sort of competition. In reality there is none and here are ten simple reasons that prove my point and ensure that I will never get laid again.
10. Facial Hair
That's right, as a man I have the divine ability to grow facial hair. Beard, mustache, mutton chops, they're all awesome. Behind every good man, there's even better facial hair. Where would great historical figures such as Abe Lincoln or
9. No Childbirth
As men we have more important things to worry about than carrying a child around for nine months then having to go through the "excruciating" process of giving birth to it. You have a better chance of seeing Jesus Christ himself than me not drinking beer for nine months. No childbirth also means even if I do accidentally knock a girl up I can just take a page out Tom Brady's deadbeat dad playbook and just move on to the next supermodel that wants to bang me. Besides I don't see why I should be at all liable for the kid YOU crapped out. If I cooked her a meal I'm not responsible for the bowel movement that follows, nor should I be for you're bastard child. Case closed, moving along.
8. Better Athletes
Men are, and always will be better and stronger athletes than women and that's just fact. I don't care how many pilates exercises you do or how solid your core is. I can sit on my ass, eat three McDoubles and polish it off with a 40 of Budweiser and I'd still be able to beat you in any type of athletic decathlon with one arm tied behind my back. Now don't get me wrong I think it's adorable when women try to play real sports with their smaller basketballs and shortened bases. I just hate it when they put MLB players up against Jenny Finch and make them try to hit a softball from point blank range. Of course they're gonna miss! I'd like to see her on a 60 foot mound with a baseball against Barry Bonds and his bowling ball-sized head. Then we'll see who gets the last giggle. Just stick to lingerie football and everything will be fine.
7. Legitimately care about/understand sports
I cannot stress how much it absolutely pisses me off when football Sunday rolls around and Facebook gets flooded with all of the girls statuses rooting on their favorite team. And by favorite team I mean team that they just heard is doing pretty well and see other people happen to be rooting for. You have the Real Housewives of New Jersey, we have football so just leave it alone. Don't even get me started on the atrocity that is the pink football jersey. Those things are hideous and should be outlawed. Look, the next time you break something or inflict personal injury to yourself after your "favorite team" loses then you can talk to me. So until then I don't want to hear it.
6. We Make More Money
Women only make about 70 cents to every dollar men make. This is scientific fact, I'm not even making it up. Now I'm not saying that woman aren't good at what they do. There are plenty of jobs out there that women are better than men at. Like cooking, cleaning, and reproducing to name a few. Keep at it ladies, you're doing a hell of a job!
5. I Can Be President
Forty four presidents and they have one thing in common, they were all men. Another one of those stone cold, irrefutable facts of life. Last election was the closest we've come to having a woman in the white house. We quickly averted that crisis once everybody realized that Hillary Clinton was indeed female. If it was up to me George W. would be in office until I turned 35 and was old enough to take the reins. President Smoove has a great ring to it and you can't even deny it!
4. Ability to Keep Friends
As a man, I'm not a fucking psycho. I still have the same friends I had in high school and even younger. Yes, we've had our fair share of disagreements and whatnot but low and behold we are all still around to talk about it over a beer. On the other hand, women hate all other women (yet another fact). But they must prevent loneliness somehow, so they befriend a couple girls that they find they hate the least. This can only last for so long though as they find the more time they spend with these friends, the more they begin to despise them. That is why the average woman cycles through a different group of friends once every three years and I thank my lucky stars that I am a man.
3. Ability To Hold Alcohol
How annoying is every drunk girl ever? It's ridiculous. They think they can line em up and go shot for shot with the big boys. We all know how that night ends up every time. Girl passed out on the toilet with her pants around her ankles and head buried in a garbage pale. At least she's tolerable by now though. The moments leading up to this point consist of loud, drunken singing to some awful songs, crying about something stupid that either didn't happen or wasn't that big a deal and her losing everything she owns somehow. It never fails, a girl will lose something 100% of the time when she drinks. Now I've been known to have a drink or two and maybe even get a little rowdy at times, but nothing too wild of course. And if i do have too many and feel the need to yak all over the place, I can take control of the situation on my own. I escort myself to the bathroom, do what needs to be done, clean it up, then resume drinking because I had just made plenty of room. No need to make a production out of it.
2. Minimal Emotions
Men have two emotions: joy and anger. That's all I have and that's just fine by me. Besides 95% of the time I just need them for watching or playing sports. They're a lot easier to keep track of than the 483 different ones that women go through in one day. It seems like a bit of overkill to me, but you know how goddamn dramatic things have to be with those ladies.
1. Penises!
That's right, the number one reason men are better than women is because we have a penis! Now I know there are many women out there getting very jealous, but I'm sorry you will never have one and thats final. The penis is just exquisite like a fine piece of art. I often find myself getting out of the shower and just admiring it for hours on end. Trust me, this is a common occurrence amongst the male community. It's just that incredibly amazing.
Please let me know the ones I missed or if you're a woman what a chauvinistic pig I am in the comments!
Smoove
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
College
Its early morning and just like any other school day you take a shower, brush your teeth, eat breakfast and watch your morning daily dose of sportscenter while you get dressed. Another fun filled day of GenEd classes awaits you as you leave your house in complete misery. By this time the thought of not going and just staying home has crossed your mind at least three times, but you push on and proceed to drag yourself to a class that you have absolutely no desire in learning anything about. Driving there you think to yourself of how much it’s going to suck to try and find a parking space. All you can do is now hope and pray you’ll get lucky, and that your not late to this class for the 10th time this semester.
So after your normal daily commute you find yourself circling the parking lot yet again in order to find a good spot. Then, in the distance, as a beam of light shines down from the heavens, you see someone getting into their car in the very front of the parking lot. You race your car over there as to make sure you can pull in and sure enough SUCCESS! The space is yours. “Maybe today isn’t going to be so bad after all.”
Walking to class you run into the girl you like and she waves and says hello. You return the gesture, but continue on to class telling her you’d text her later cause your running a little late. You arrive in class with a big smile, just as the bell rings and take your seat. As you look around the room, all your friends appear to be rushing to get something finished. You ask the kid next to you why, and it’s because that huge paper the teacher assigned a month ago is due today!
OH SHIT!!
That huge paper that was to be done on some famous painter is due today and you haven’t even started! You start to get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. Luckily you don’t have that class till later, but still don’t have any time to do it because you have three other classes until then. So now in complete panic mode, you scrounge together your notes from that class and get as much information out of your friend as possible on what they wrote about in their paper. Your “rough draft” is complete.
Your first class is now over and to be honest you don’t have a damn clue what the hell just happened in that class because all you were thinking about was the paper. You exit the room and are still as scared as you were when your friend reminded you of it. You make the decision to skip your next class and head to the computer lab to do some serious research. As time flies by, it is now time for your third class of the day, but still not the one in which the paper is due. Once again you choose to skip that class and keep at your work. After about three hours in the computer lab you have a crude representation of a paper on C. M. Coolidge that you secure together with a fancy binder as to make it look as presentable as possible.
The time finally comes for your last class and the paper is now due. As you enter the room the professor immediately asks for the homework to be placed on his desk. Walking towards the front of the room you get a glimpse of the other student’s work and to be honest, your just happy you got it done. All you can do now is wait till the papers are graded and hope the teacher goes easy on you.
A couple weeks later the professor informs the class that he has graded the papers and that he is overall impressed with everyone’s work. Instantly you think to yourself that, hey, maybe I actually pulled this one off! But just then, he continues to say that a few papers were an absolute catastrophe and he had a hard time believing a college student wrote it. “FUCK! There goes that.” So he hands out the papers and you’re to afraid to look so you immediately place you paper face down. That sick feeling in your stomach comes back and it’s now or never. You flip over your paper and HOLY SHIT! B+ You did it! You did what you had to do, made the right choices, got down to brass tax when shit needed to get done and you did it!
Moral of the story - All college kids know, or will come to find out, life is all about getting things done under pressure. You may not always have the perfect tools or supplies on hand for the job. But you need to be able to make smart educated decisions on what is important, and be able to use the tools you have been presented with to accomplish your goals.
Oh yeah…and party your fucking ass off when shit like this happens causes it doesn't happen all the time but when it does, it feels great!
- Rooster
Clean Ass
Something I love, shitting in the peace of my own bathroom. Something I hate, shitting in a public bathroom. You may think it’s the fact that it’s dirty, or there are strangers in the crapper next to me, but to be honest I could care less. Give those toilets the ole once over with some toilet paper and you are good to go. I’m not going to lick to seat clean when I am done and it’s just my ass cheeks resting on it so honestly who cares. So then what’s the problem Rosay? If you don’t care about the cleanliness of the toilet or the strangers around you then why do you hate shitting in public?
Great question! And all it takes is a simple response. Public bathrooms don’t have baby wipes, see simple response. No I’m not a baby and no I don’t have a kid, those wipes are used by yours truly. For those of you out there who consistently use toilet paper to clean your ass, I have a question for you. What the fuck are you thinking? That’s disgusting. You might as well not even wipe your ass. What the hell does t.p. actually do? You’ll get the majority off your ass but you are definitely going to have some left over shit, and probably stink a little. This leads me to my point. After every shit I take, ever since I was a baby, it’s been baby wipes all the time, and I’ll give you a perfect reason why. If you accidentally get shit on your hand, whether it be yours, someone elses, your pet’s shit, etc… you definitely do not use a piece of paper towel to wipe it off and call it a day. No shot! You would probably freak out, and let’s be honest that’s an obvious reaction if you somehow you got your own shit or someone else’s on your hand. Then you would walk, possibly run, to the nearest sink and violently scrub your hands with soap and water. Why? Because that’s the clean thing to do. Now I say if you are going to scrub your hands why wouldn’t you want to do the same with your ass? It’s still skin isn’t it, you still don’t want to smell like shit don’t you? Christ you dirty people, use a baby wipe to clean your ass. Don’t be embarrassed walking through a grocery store with some Huggies wipes in your carriage because if anyone looks at you funny because you don’t have a baby with you, you can think to yourself that their ass probably stinks.
Moral of the story. If you want a clean ass stop using toilet paper after a shit. Buy t.p. to wipe the piss off the seat when you miss and buy baby wipes to clean yourself.
--Rosay
Bear Grylls Clip of the Week
What's more manly than Bear Grylls?....NOTHING. Watch him drink his own urine to survive!
Original Oreos vs The Double Stuff Oreo
Now as "The Cookie Monster," it is only fitting that I shed some light on a cookie that has touched all of our lives and brings families closer together around a glass of milk. Not only are Oreos milk's favorite cookie, it just so happens they are also MY favorite cookie. It's been that way since I was only a tot. There's just something about that piece of culinary art, with the creme filling sandwiched ever so delicately between two chocolate cookies, that sends chills up and down my spine. Since the creation of the worlds greatest sandwich cookie, there have been many variations on the delectable treat. These variations include: the chocolate covered Oreo (the best variation), the chocolate creme filled Oreo, the Mint creme filled Oreo (the worst variation, you never mint the chocolate!!), the Halloween Orange creme Oreo, the Oreo Cakester, the Golden Oreo -_-, and the Double Stuff Oreo. The Double Stuff Oreo is basically a rip off of the original Oreo, only you get double the creme, and I'll argue that its just a tad too much.
The Original Oreo offers the perfect chocolate cookie to creme filling ratio, and should never have been tampered with. The Double Stuff attacks the taste buds with too much creme and not enough cookie to supplement it. This is why I propose a third cookie in the center of the double stuff to balance out the cookie to creme ratio. Here is my logic, in the Double Stuff, they double the amount of creme filling without adding too the cookie. So in a ratio that was 2 cookies to 1 creme, it is now 2:2 and not the proper ratio for the perfect cookie sandwich (which is exactly one half). My proposal of the third chocolate cookie to the center of the creme would raise the ratio to 3:2. Now there would only be slightly more cookie than there is creme, but not too much for those who enjoy more creme, and it is a great compromise for those who like a larger cookie to creme ratio such as myself. Another thing about Oreos that people need to get straight, is how they eat them. THEY'RE MADE AS A SANDWICH FOR A REASON, you should enjoy them as such and not deface the beauty of the Oreo by separating them and licking the creme from the center. Do you open up your ham and cheese sandwich and lick out all the ham ,cheese and mustard, then put the plain pieces of bread back together and eat them? I think not. When you do such terrible things it defeats the purpose of selling them as a "Sandwich Cookie". All I'm saying is respect the Oreo sandwich cookie and eat it how it is meant to be eaten, as a cookie sandwich and dunked in a tall glass of almost frozen 2% milk (2% for the real men, you women can have your skim milk) for at least 3, to no more than 5 seconds in order to get the most enjoyment out of eating your Oreo. Don't forget to wash it down with that tall glass of almost frozen 2% milk!
P.S. I learned as a child that Santa loves the Original Oreo, one year my dad saw him eating my whole pack that prick.
Sincerely,
-The Cookie Monster
The Original Oreo offers the perfect chocolate cookie to creme filling ratio, and should never have been tampered with. The Double Stuff attacks the taste buds with too much creme and not enough cookie to supplement it. This is why I propose a third cookie in the center of the double stuff to balance out the cookie to creme ratio. Here is my logic, in the Double Stuff, they double the amount of creme filling without adding too the cookie. So in a ratio that was 2 cookies to 1 creme, it is now 2:2 and not the proper ratio for the perfect cookie sandwich (which is exactly one half). My proposal of the third chocolate cookie to the center of the creme would raise the ratio to 3:2. Now there would only be slightly more cookie than there is creme, but not too much for those who enjoy more creme, and it is a great compromise for those who like a larger cookie to creme ratio such as myself. Another thing about Oreos that people need to get straight, is how they eat them. THEY'RE MADE AS A SANDWICH FOR A REASON, you should enjoy them as such and not deface the beauty of the Oreo by separating them and licking the creme from the center. Do you open up your ham and cheese sandwich and lick out all the ham ,cheese and mustard, then put the plain pieces of bread back together and eat them? I think not. When you do such terrible things it defeats the purpose of selling them as a "Sandwich Cookie". All I'm saying is respect the Oreo sandwich cookie and eat it how it is meant to be eaten, as a cookie sandwich and dunked in a tall glass of almost frozen 2% milk (2% for the real men, you women can have your skim milk) for at least 3, to no more than 5 seconds in order to get the most enjoyment out of eating your Oreo. Don't forget to wash it down with that tall glass of almost frozen 2% milk!
P.S. I learned as a child that Santa loves the Original Oreo, one year my dad saw him eating my whole pack that prick.
Sincerely,
-The Cookie Monster
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
SUPERBOWL PREDICTIONS!!
MVP: Aaron Rodgers
X-Factor: Charles Woodson
Key Matchup: BJ Raji vs. Doug Legursky
X-Factor: Charles Woodson
Key Matchup: BJ Raji vs. Doug Legursky
Packers 27 - Steelers 23
I am going with the Packers to defeat the Steelers in the Superbowl by a score of 27-23. Many analysts have stated throughout the year that the offensive style of the Packers fits perfectly for a dome stadium, and of course the Superbowl will be played in Dallas in a dome. The Packers have put up some dominant perfomances this year inside domes including a 31-3 victory over Minnesota and their 48-21 victory over Atlanta in the Divisional Round. Aaron Rodgers will be the Superbowl MVP and I predict he tosses 2 TDs and runs for 1 more. Another big matchup will be BJ Raji against Pittsburghs Center Doug Legursky, who replaces pro bowl rookie Maurkice Pouncey. Raji has proven to be a dominant interior force on the defensive line and should give Legursky and Ben Roethlisberger quite the headache. Finally the X-Factor has to go to Charles Woodson, if he can bottle up Hines Ward and get to Roethlisberger on some blitzes he is sure to slow down the Steelers offense.
I am going with the Packers to defeat the Steelers in the Superbowl by a score of 27-23. Many analysts have stated throughout the year that the offensive style of the Packers fits perfectly for a dome stadium, and of course the Superbowl will be played in Dallas in a dome. The Packers have put up some dominant perfomances this year inside domes including a 31-3 victory over Minnesota and their 48-21 victory over Atlanta in the Divisional Round. Aaron Rodgers will be the Superbowl MVP and I predict he tosses 2 TDs and runs for 1 more. Another big matchup will be BJ Raji against Pittsburghs Center Doug Legursky, who replaces pro bowl rookie Maurkice Pouncey. Raji has proven to be a dominant interior force on the defensive line and should give Legursky and Ben Roethlisberger quite the headache. Finally the X-Factor has to go to Charles Woodson, if he can bottle up Hines Ward and get to Roethlisberger on some blitzes he is sure to slow down the Steelers offense.
---ROSAY
MVP- Aaron Rodgers...obv
X-Factor- BJ Raji
Key Matchup- James Harrison vs. Chad Clifton
Key Matchup- James Harrison vs. Chad Clifton
Score- 24-20 GREEN BAY FOOTBALL PACKERS!
Two teams rich in football history face off this year in what promises to be a close exciting game. BJ "The Freezer" Raji against a center making his first career start is the x-factor. If he makes life hell for Ben Rapelisberger and the Pittsburgh running game, it opens things up for the outside rushers like Clay Matthews and the blitzing packages of defensive mastermind, Dom Capers. Much of the Packers offensive success is directly connected with keeping Aaron "The People's Champ" Rodgers upright. If Chad Clifton, with the help of the occasional TE and RB, can keep the scariest man in the NFL, James Harrison, off of A-Rod, it will lead to less big plays out of the Steelers secondary and more big plays for the Packers dynamic quartet of receivers. When the cheeseheads and the terrible towels are settled, the scoreboard will read 24-20 in favor of the Green Bay Packers and Aaron Rodgers will put to rest any questions regarding Brett Favre once and for all.
Two teams rich in football history face off this year in what promises to be a close exciting game. BJ "The Freezer" Raji against a center making his first career start is the x-factor. If he makes life hell for Ben Rapelisberger and the Pittsburgh running game, it opens things up for the outside rushers like Clay Matthews and the blitzing packages of defensive mastermind, Dom Capers. Much of the Packers offensive success is directly connected with keeping Aaron "The People's Champ" Rodgers upright. If Chad Clifton, with the help of the occasional TE and RB, can keep the scariest man in the NFL, James Harrison, off of A-Rod, it will lead to less big plays out of the Steelers secondary and more big plays for the Packers dynamic quartet of receivers. When the cheeseheads and the terrible towels are settled, the scoreboard will read 24-20 in favor of the Green Bay Packers and Aaron Rodgers will put to rest any questions regarding Brett Favre once and for all.
---BIG BASIC
MVP-Aaron Rodgers
X-Factor-Aaron Rodgers
Key Matchup- Troy Polamalu vs. Aaron Rodgers
24-17 GB Packers
The Green Bay football Packers will be relying on the leadership of their QB Aaron Rodgers. In his first Super Bowl appearance, nobody will be more eager and more motivated to get the W than Aaron Rodgers, making him my X-factor. If he can continue to display his leadership and enthusiasm as he has all season long and throughout the playoffs, he will no doubt lead his team to their first Super Bowl victory since Brett Favre "had fun" in Super Bowl 32. The key match up will be Polamalu, defensive player of the year, and Aaron Rodgers. It is important that Aaron knows where number 43 is on the field at all times. If things work out the way I hope, I see the Packers taking this one 24-17 with a late TD to seal the deal.
---COOKIE MONSTER
Key Matchup- Clay Matthews vs. Steelers Offensive Line
X-Factor- Mike Wallace
MVP- Ben "Rapelisberger" Roethlisberger
Steelers 24 - Packers 20
Two storied franchises do battle in what is sure to be a very entertaining Super Bowl in beautiful Cowboys stadium in downtown Arlington, TX. I see this game going back and forth and coming down to the wire. The Packers offense has been tremendous throughout the playoffs, but it will be interesting to see how the potent Packers passing attack will fare against the Steel Curtain that is Pittsburgh's defense. The Packers have been running the ball well of late, but I see that changing against the best linebacking corps in the NFL. The Packers will be forced to be a one dimensional team and Troy Polamalu is going to make at least one game changing play. On the other side, look for workhorse back Rashard Mendenhall to win the Steelers the time of possession battle and wear down the Green Bay defense with 25+ carries. Clay Matthews, who just missed out on NFL Defensive POY, is a concern for the Steelers offensive line due to his unpredictable path toward the quarterback on blitzes and his unstoppable motor. While Matthews might close on the quarterback better than any player in the league, Roethlisberger is at his best under duress. Look for Big Ben to extend plays with his feet just long enough for speedster Mike Wallace to beat the talented Green Bay secondary for at least one big play this Sunday. Should be one for the ages, but the Steelers experience wins out late in the game.
---BLACK MAMBA
MVP-Aaron Rodgers
X-factors- Charles Woodson, James Starks, Mike Wallace, Lamar Woodley, Brett KEisel's Beard
Key Matchup-Packers Dline vs Steelers Oline
X-factors- Charles Woodson, James Starks, Mike Wallace, Lamar Woodley, Brett KEisel's Beard
Key Matchup-Packers Dline vs Steelers Oline
30- 24 Packers
The packers haven't lost by more then 4 pts and have won 3 straight road playoff games, but the Steelers defense is the best they are facing all year. Aaron Rodgers outshines Ben "herover" Roethlisberger. Packers d-line takes advantage of a beat up Steelers o-line.
----FEAR THE BEARD
X-Factor- Steelers Deep Passing Threats
Key Matchup- Packers Run Game vs. Steelers Defense
MVP- Mike Wallace
24-21 Steelers
This is going to be a great Superbowl that is very evenlymatch. Ultimately I think the Steelers are going to shut down the Packers running game, which has been very successful this postseason. The Steelers have 3 great deep threats in Wallace, Sanders, and Brown that will present problems for the Packers defense. By stopping the Packers run game it'll force Aaron Rodgers to air the ball out a lot and while he is great and will probably combine for 3 TDs, I think the Steelers will prevail in the end.
----PARTY PUMP
X-Factor- Jimmy Football Starks
MVP- The Claymaker!
Key Matchup- Pitt O-line vs GB D-line
GB 31 - Pitt 24
Aaron Rodgers finally steps out of Favre's shadow and can stop mimicking wearing a belt because he'll have the real thing! PING!!!!
----Smoove
X-Factor- James Starks
Key Matchup- Rashard Mendenhall vs The Packers front 7
MVP- A-Rod
30-27 Packers
Starks is the KEY to the game because if he can make Mr. Hair play towards the box, he can't ball hawk all game. Mendenhall vs. the front 7 is important because if the Packers hold him to 65-80 yards and allow under 4 yards/carry , it should be good news for the Cheeseheads! Side Note: If you don't know who Tramon Williams is (#38) you will Sunday Night!
---Noodleman
Packers 27 - Steelers 20
Key Matchup - Rashard Mendenhall vs. Packers D-line
X-Factors- Greg Jennings, B.J. Raji, Clay Mathews, Troy Polamalu
MVP- Aaron Rodgers
Key Matchup - Rashard Mendenhall vs. Packers D-line
X-Factors- Greg Jennings, B.J. Raji, Clay Mathews, Troy Polamalu
MVP- Aaron Rodgers
Look for Green Bay to come out firing with a high-powered offensive aerial attack. If A-Rod and Jennings can get on the same page early, its bad news for the black and yellow. Pittsburgh will however look to slow the pace of the game with a solid rushing performance out of Rashard Mendenhall. The Steelers keys to victory will include winning the time of possession battle by keeping the chains moving on offense and keeping their defense off the field, fresh and healthy. If the Green Bay Packers can take an early lead the Steelers will find themselves in a deep hole. Trying to catch up on a team of this caliber will not be easy when players like B.J. Raji and Clay Mathews are always lurking.
---Rooster
X-Factor- B.J. Raji
Key Matchup- B.J. Raji vs the beat up Steelers O-Line
Packers 14-13
MVP- Jordy Nelson ( I'm a dark horse kind of guy)
I predict a low scoring battle of two best defenses in football. The three reigning defensive players of the year and the top three in votes this year putting it all on the line (James Harrison, Charles Woodson, Troy Polamalu, and Clay Mathews). As mentioned in my key matchup, I think for the Pack to be successful, B.J. Raji needs to exploit the Stealers offensive line leaving Big Ben vulnerable to the Green and Yellow beat down inflicted by Clay Mathews and the other hard-hitting Packer linebackers. While I predict Green Bay to win, Pittsburgh didn't make it this far by being soft. There is no doubt that they are a great team and I would not be surprised at all if they pulled off the victory, but I feel that the Aaron Rodgers led Green Bay offense is way more potent than the Stealers. By the end of this game, if they aren't saying it now, Packers fans will be saying "Brett who?".
--THEE Nature Boy
---Rooster
X-Factor- B.J. Raji
Key Matchup- B.J. Raji vs the beat up Steelers O-Line
Packers 14-13
MVP- Jordy Nelson ( I'm a dark horse kind of guy)
I predict a low scoring battle of two best defenses in football. The three reigning defensive players of the year and the top three in votes this year putting it all on the line (James Harrison, Charles Woodson, Troy Polamalu, and Clay Mathews). As mentioned in my key matchup, I think for the Pack to be successful, B.J. Raji needs to exploit the Stealers offensive line leaving Big Ben vulnerable to the Green and Yellow beat down inflicted by Clay Mathews and the other hard-hitting Packer linebackers. While I predict Green Bay to win, Pittsburgh didn't make it this far by being soft. There is no doubt that they are a great team and I would not be surprised at all if they pulled off the victory, but I feel that the Aaron Rodgers led Green Bay offense is way more potent than the Stealers. By the end of this game, if they aren't saying it now, Packers fans will be saying "Brett who?".
--THEE Nature Boy
Beer Chugging 101
Kid downs 2 beers in one mug in just 5 seconds. The crazy part is that this was the second time in a row he did 2 beers. The first time he did it in just around 3 SECONDS... That video is somewhere on one of my old phones though... WHATEVER... This is still impressive.
The Wish It Was Summer Video of the Day
- Rosay
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