10 Reasons Why Men Are Better Than Women

Battle of the sexes. That's an odd statement considering it contains the word battle which usually implies that there is some sort of competition. In reality there is none and here are ten simple reasons that prove my point and ensure that I will never get laid again.

10. Facial Hair

That's right, as a man I have the divine ability to grow facial hair. Beard, mustache, mutton chops, they're all awesome. Behind every good man, there's even better facial hair. Where would great historical figures such as Abe Lincoln or Adolf Hitler Charlie Chaplin be without their signature beard or toothbrush mustache? Nowhere! And just think about the 70's. There would've been no porn without the obligatory porn star stache. I don't even want to think about a world without porn.

9. No Childbirth

As men we have more important things to worry about than carrying a child around for nine months then having to go through the "excruciating" process of giving birth to it. You have a better chance of seeing Jesus Christ himself than me not drinking beer for nine months. No childbirth also means even if I do accidentally knock a girl up I can just take a page out Tom Brady's deadbeat dad playbook and just move on to the next supermodel that wants to bang me. Besides I don't see why I should be at all liable for the kid YOU crapped out. If I cooked her a meal I'm not responsible for the bowel movement that follows, nor should I be for you're bastard child. Case closed, moving along.


8. Better Athletes

Men are, and always will be better and stronger athletes than women and that's just fact. I don't care how many pilates exercises you do or how solid your core is. I can sit on my ass, eat three McDoubles and polish it off with a 40 of Budweiser and I'd still be able to beat you in any type of athletic decathlon with one arm tied behind my back. Now don't get me wrong I think it's adorable when women try to play real sports with their smaller basketballs and shortened bases. I just hate it when they put MLB players up against Jenny Finch  and make them try to hit a softball from point blank range. Of course they're gonna miss! I'd like to see her on a 60 foot mound with a baseball against Barry Bonds and his bowling ball-sized head. Then we'll see who gets the last giggle. Just stick to lingerie football and everything will be fine.

7. Legitimately care about/understand sports

I cannot stress how much it absolutely pisses me off when football Sunday rolls around and Facebook gets flooded with all of the girls statuses rooting on their favorite team. And by favorite team I mean team that they just heard is doing pretty well and see other people happen to be rooting for. You have the Real Housewives of New Jersey, we have football so just leave it alone. Don't even get me started on the atrocity that is the pink football jersey. Those things are hideous and should be outlawed. Look, the next time you break something or inflict personal injury to yourself after your "favorite team" loses then you can talk to me. So until then I don't want to hear it.

6. We Make More Money

Women only make about 70 cents to every dollar men make. This is scientific fact, I'm not even making it up. Now I'm not saying that woman aren't good at what they do. There are plenty of jobs out there that women are better than men at. Like cooking, cleaning, and reproducing to name a few. Keep at it ladies, you're doing a hell of a job!

5. I Can Be President

Forty four presidents and they have one thing in common, they were all men. Another one of those stone cold, irrefutable facts of life. Last election was the closest we've come to having a woman in the white house. We quickly averted that crisis once everybody realized that Hillary Clinton was indeed female. If it was up to me George W. would be in office until I turned 35 and was old enough to take the reins. President Smoove has a great ring to it and you can't even deny it!

4. Ability to Keep Friends

As a man, I'm not a fucking psycho. I still have the same friends I had in high school and even younger. Yes, we've had our fair share of disagreements and whatnot but low and behold we are all still around to talk about it over a beer. On the other hand, women hate all other women (yet another fact). But they must prevent loneliness somehow, so they befriend a couple girls that they find they hate the least. This can only last for so long though as they find the more time they spend with these friends, the more they begin to despise them. That is why the average woman cycles through a different group of friends once every three years and I thank my lucky stars that I am a man.

3. Ability To Hold Alcohol

How annoying is every drunk girl ever? It's ridiculous. They think they can line em up and go shot for shot with the big boys. We all know how that night ends up every time. Girl passed out on the toilet with her pants around her ankles and head buried in a garbage pale. At least she's tolerable by now though. The moments leading up to this point consist of loud, drunken singing to some awful songs, crying about something stupid that either didn't happen or wasn't that big a deal and her losing everything she owns somehow. It never fails, a girl will lose something 100% of the time when she drinks. Now I've been known to have a drink or two and maybe even get a little rowdy at times, but nothing too wild of course. And if i do have too many and feel the need to yak all over the place, I can take control of the situation on my own. I escort myself to the bathroom, do what needs to be done, clean it up, then resume drinking because I had just made plenty of room. No need to make a production out of it.

2. Minimal Emotions

Men have two emotions: joy and anger. That's all I have and that's just fine by me. Besides 95% of the time I just need them for watching or playing sports. They're a lot easier to keep track of than the 483 different ones that women go through in one day. It seems like a bit of overkill to me, but you know how goddamn dramatic things have to be with those ladies.

1. Penises!

That's right, the number one reason men are better than women is because we have a penis! Now I know there are many women out there getting very jealous, but I'm sorry you will never have one and thats final. The penis is just exquisite like a fine piece of art. I often find myself getting out of the shower and just admiring it for hours on end. Trust me, this is a common occurrence amongst the male community. It's just that incredibly amazing.

Please let me know the ones I missed or if you're a woman what a chauvinistic pig I am in the comments!

Smoove