Goin' H.A.M on Valentine's Day

Dear Loyal Readers of the Guy Talk 4.0 Blog,

Aaron Rodgers is officially the People‘s Champ. The Lakers are going to get Carmelo Anthony. CC Sabathia slimmed down to a cool 350lbs. That is the recap in the sports world. I’m here to talk to you about something a little more important. Valentine’s Day is around the corner.

I sincerely think that there isn’t a taken guy in the world who legitimately enjoys Valentine’s Day. For those that have significant others hear me out. Valentine’s Day definitely puts this unneeded pressure on guys to perform their boyfriend duties better than any other day of the year. The guy needs to be romantic and loving. But let’s be honest here. Why? If you hate your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day because she is being her normal bitchy girl self, why do you have to pamper her every needs. If she’s a bitch, treat her like one. Tie her in a kennel and give her a bowl of water. That’s a little harsh, but you guys get the point. Isn’t it more wrong to be fake one day a year to get some taint than to be real like every other day of the year?

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love and happiness right? But what makes a guy happier? Spending 100 bucks on some stupid dinner at a nice restaurant or getting two $5 boxes from Taco Bell. It rocks, it rocks. What does a guy love more? The girlfriend who just needs that expensive piece of jewelry or a fuckin’ 6 pack? The main reason guys go through all this trouble on Valentine’s Day is in hope that the sex is better than normal that night. Let’s get real though does the girlfriend really need those extra chocolates for her to perform any better? And does the guy really need this made up holiday to get the sex that he probably deserves for puttin’ up with her bullshit every day anyway?

Now, the single guys look at Valentine’s Day totally differently. It’s the perfect day to go out there and look for some strange ass. The single girls may not always say it, but Valentine’s Day is the one day a year where they are looking to get laid more than men. If you’re not much of a looker, Valentine’s Day is the day to put down your latest edition of Dungeons and Dragons, shut off your newest level of World of Warcraft, and get out to the bars because tonight…its like fishing with dynamite.

Single girls on Valentine’s Day are desperate and depressed because they need that fake sense of happiness that couples have on Valentine’s Day. The only way a girl is more horny or desperate is if they just got done watchin’ The Notebook alone with a pint of Edy’s Mint Chocolate Chip. Guys it’s the perfect time to strike. Give them some bullshit line about how you really want a Valentine or something and they’ll be in your bed quicker than you can say “Trojan Man”.

Guys understand all these little tidbits of Valentine’s Day, but girls stop reading Cosmo and listen to me. It’s alright for one day a year to act like you really always want to act. Like a gigantic slut. If your boyfriend is doing everything right on Valentine’s Day do something crazy and special for him at night because trust me that’s the only reason why he’s trying so hard in the first place. If you’re a single girl, go out, wear your skimpiest dress, go H.A.M. on the dance floor, drink shots all night and go home with the first guy that decides to talk to your sloppy ass.

I think I speak for every man in the world when I say that I hope all you girls out there take my advice and enjoy Valentine's Day to it's fullest.

Sincerely,

The Love Machine